New Year Blues

Year after year, as the 31st of December approaches, a feeling of apprehension shrouds my thoughts. I like to call this the New Year Blues. Uninvited and thoroughly disliked, it still has the gall to make itself an annual visitor.
Same time. Same feeling.

31st of December plays the role of a deadline and the thoughts of unfinished work incessantly plagues my mind. And it is the apprehension and anxiousness of not being able to conform to this deadline that arouses a feeling of dread.

Inevitable in nature, and I speak from experience here, it happens to be a phase that, whether I like it or not, I have to go through. Perhaps a sign from God to make me aware of the immensity and implications of a year ending, perhaps even an instigation to reflect upon the year that has passed me by, for gratitude?

Certainly a deppressant, the only way to get around it, I've learnt, is to just push past it and see the sun shining bright behind the ominous cloud. Focusing on things that have to be done, and doing them, often helps.

Tomorrow is another day, and a few days brings the new year, the break of new dawn.

Just One Moment

It takes only one moment. For life or death, for love or hate, for faithfulness or betrayal.
And that one moment can bring about so much change, and your life will never again be the same.

Upon hearing that the resultant tsuanmis of the underwater earthquake reached the South Indian coast, my first thoughts went to my family residing there. There is a great sigh of relief knowing that the people you love are out of harm's way. For it takes only that one catastrophic moment for them to be swept away, in this case quite literally, from your life.

One moment.

It decides whether you will be hit by a car and die, cheat on your boyfriend or girlfriend, slip down a flight of stairs and break your leg, catch a train, or be swept away by a tsunami.

Just one moment.

A Balanced Relationship?

Night and day, yin and yang, protons and electrons - the symmetry of life is unending.

And, I believe, symmetry probes into the fibre of every relationship as well. It is a two way process, a give and take, expectations ...and disappointment?
Having definitely pondered over this more than just a few times, I feel that the expectations in a relationship lead to disappointment in one. The Eagles depict this aptly in their song Hole In The World, singing that 'anger is just love disappointed.'
The standard expectation, in any relationship, I feel, finds its roots in Christianity's No.1 commandment, 'Love thy neighbour as thyself', do to others what you would want them to do unto you, and of course, expect others to do for you what you would do for them. This crucial juncture is where the path divides, the expectations soar and the disappointments dive exponentially.
Situation? Where you would do something for the other in a heartbeat, but for them, the very consent of the deed is a struggle, and the follow through, a lost cause.

Disappointing? Most definitely!

Status? Hopeless!

Balanced? Hardly!

Mantra? Life goes on.

Gift-Giving

The tradition of exchanging gifts never took place in my home in these 18 years of my life. Perhaps when my sister and I were younger, we would find those gifts under the tree for us. But it was never continued. I tell my friends and they often are quite taken aback at this lack of continuity of a very essential tradition.

Upon returning from Midnight Christmas Mass, my parents found a card on their chest of drawers, a simple card printed from the PC, compiled by my sister, signed by both of us. Overjoyed, my mother questioned my father "They gave us this beautiful card, what have you given them?"

And he replied "I have given them freedom."

In this Christmas World of finding the perfect gift, nothing could attain greater perfection than this gift of freedom.

And I prefer it.

Friendship.. The Twist

The following passage captured my attention owing to its simple practicality.
Source: www.jewishencyclopedia.com

The essential characteristic of genuine friendship is disinterestedness. The service one renders his friend must be prompted by the sole desire to be of use to him, and not for the sake of furthering one's own interests. Selfishness destroys friendship. This is tersely expressed in Ab. v. 16: "Friendship dictated by a selfish motive comes to an end together with its speculations; but friendship which is not based on any selfish motive comes never to an end."

The Reason

Yesterday I came to terms with the fact that life goes on, no matter what the situation may be. In my case, it is riding the emotional rollercoaster of having your closest friends come in and out of your everyday life.

But today is a different day. Having spent a majority of the day reminiscing, or rather, comparing, this year to the previous one, the thoughts of the people I am closest to were not far. And the thought that terrifies me the most is knowing that things will never be the same again.

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you...

Failure

Failure ensued by repetitive success humbles you.

And Then There Were None

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you want to do the exact opposite of what everyone else is doing, and you stand up for what you believe in anyway?
I reached out for some sort of approval, but found none.
Didn't expect you to understand anyway.

And then I stood there, all alone.

A Moment Of Silence

There are so many people, who hang in the background of your life, who you take for granted or soemtimes pointedly avoid. But when something happens to them or someone close to them, they seem to stand out from the background, screaming out to you.

What are you supposed to tell a fifteen year old boy, whose father was killed in a hit-and-run car accident? How do you face him when he's sitting in the church pew with tears streaming down his face, staring at the gigantic crucifix as if pleading for answers? Even prayer, will it really help?

I prayed for him and his father's soul, for his siblings and his mother. But I did not know what to ask God for. I asked the Lord to give him strength to get through this difficult time in his life - so cliche, I know. And as I said those words, I wondered, how much strength will this boy need to understand the immensity of what happened? Is there enough strength in the world that will completely heal him from this tragic event in his life? I asked the Lord to make this easy on him, but will it really be any easier? How can it be easy for him to go home every single day, and know that there is one whole person less in his home?

Yet I continue to pray, for God works in mysterious ways, making the incomprehensible bearable.
And I hope he will be able to bear this incomprehensible loss.

Mid-week Crisis

The image of walking the tight rope haunts me. Half way through, I look back, and my achievement appears feeble.
This week has flown by, leaving me with a sense of hopelessness. And failure. Half way through, I look back, and my achievement appears feeble.
The rest of the week holds nothing promising. Perhaps the weekend? Perhaps.
I look ahead and I feel the load of the remaining week weighing down on me.
Tension mounts and the rope becomes tighter.
I look ahead and see that I have a long way to go...

Great Expectations?

Are there times when you feel the world's problems are on your shoulders?

Is there an image of you in everyone else's mind that you often find yourself trying so very hard to live up to?

Has it come to a point where their expectations of you have become your expectations of yourself? That failure to concede with this will define you as a failure? I wonder if this is what Dickens wrote about in Great Expectations. It seems only fitting.

Do you feel that you are walking on a tight rope, high above the eager faces, watching, anticipating.
She will walk across flawlessly.
Their confidence in you becomes your own. Yet is this not a good thing?

No! It is far from good! And why?

Because what happens if I do take that fateful step, that erroenous step, and fall?

I am only human!

In their mind you are Spotless. Virgin. Perfection.

But I see my own sins, and I know this is not true.

'Even heroes have the right to bleed.'

Yet I strive, every day, every mintue, to attain that perfection.

I have to.

I cannot fail them.

I cannot fail myself.

Let It Burn

"The spirit is strong, but the flesh is weak"
--Matthew 26 : 41

I came across this bible verse owing to a dear friend and his impluse to SMS me at the early hours of the day.

The verse plunged me into introspection, only to question: How often has the gust of inspiration been blown into us, only to be sucked out by the lethargy of the human form?

The fire of the spirit is a lone candle flickering within us. Do not let it diminish.

Let it burn.

Business Cycle = Human Life Cycle

While studying for a business paper, the symbolism of this passage struck a chord in me.

"The Business Cycle consists of a sequence in which a recession is followed by recovery which leads into a boom. After a period of boom there will be a downturn leading to a recession. This is usually characterised as a period of slower growth or stagnation. It can be followed by a period of recovery, or may persist to a point of depression."

Striking resembalance to our own lives, don't you think?

An average business cycle takes approximately ten years to complete itself. A human life cycle can take a period of ten years, a year, even a day.

Identify the high's and low's of the human life cycle, placing yourself in a position to effectively strategize for the future, tipping the scales in your favour for a sucessful life.

Back Home

Yesterday, after I think about three whole months, I finally felt like I was home.

The city of Dubai holds a very special place in my heart for it has always been home. I am Indian, and mind you, I take full pride in it, but having been born in this city and spent these 18 years of my life on this soil, it is only natural that Dubai assumes the title 'home'.

But more than the city itself, the people in the city have provided with that homely security and comfort. People I have grown up with, both family and dear friends, have laid the foundations for Dubai as my home. There is a time, in almost everyone's life, I believe, during which your friends take up more of your time than family does (plausible explanation for the exponential increase in arguements at home!). Those years for me were the past six years.

Three months ago, the group of friends that I had grown so accustomed to, left. Each and every one of the people I considered almost a part of me, people who knew me better than I even knew myself sometimes, all scattered to differnt parts of the world. Of course, the slogan still remains "Friends '4' Eva", yet you and I both know, its not the same.

And it is at this point, when home ceases to be just that. The security and comfort zone, which was always very defined, now shattered, spreading across the globe. And the vastness of the world you live in hits you hard and fast, knocking you off balance. And you feel oh so very alone.

Last night, before I went for a First Year Alevel student's party, all these emotions engulfed me for yet another time.
Life really sucks! What the hell were you thinking when you decided to stay for another year of Alevels? You'll just be bored stiff at the party and feel out of place and all these feelings will just come back all over again!

Being accustomed now to these emotions that flood in when your least vulnerable (and also having recently read on another blog to never let your moods to stop you from doing what you have to do), I decided, and on retrospection, to my better judgement, to go for the party.

To make a long story short, I had a fabulous time, danced for hours and got home at the wee hours of the morning! But more important than anything, I got to know so many more people. Good people. People I didn't know even existed in my school. And people I'm looking forward to spending time with for the next acedemic year!

That joy of being with a group of good people, and having the time of your life, is what I felt yesterday, after a very long time.

It's good to be back home.

Temptation

Temptation is greatest for things that are not good for us!

The Rest Is Still Unwritten...

Passion for writing fused with passion for living...

Natasha Bedingfield:

"I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten..."

Ancestral Roots.... Important?

Typical business classroom. Everyone bored stiff because the teacher is making an already terribly dry topic even more unbearable. Ironically, the lecture is on 'motivational theories'! Don't think they're too pragmatic about the stuff they teach... atleast it doesn't seem that way!
And then there's those monotonous questions.. 'Assess the suitability of Maslow's heirarchy of needs for the employees of Sony Corporation' and 'Suggest which motivational theory would most suit a tall structure',
And 'Evaluate the importance of familial roots'
Wait a mintue!
.... say what?!

Considering this topic seems to be like attempting a business question! Four levels to attain - knowledge, application, analysis, evaluation! And just like those business questions, I wonder, truly, how important?

Familial roots seems to have been the central theme of my weekend. And not just those, roots in general. Ancestors, descendants, genealogies, history (yea Thesaurus, anymore?) - the words that highlighted my weekend (which, by the way, was three days ago! Anyhow..)

It started with Dan Brown (yes, The Da Vinci Code!), mind-boggling me with the alleged "descendants of Christ" (wow..don't get me started! Perhaps another post..). The cherry to top that, Choir practise begins early Friday morning with the genealogy of Jesus Christ, followed by an attempt to probe into our individual genealogies. So basically, I have Dan Brown and my catechist throughly confusing me. Those "say what?!" moments have once again arisen. Very close to that, however, I find myself asking another question that seems to be the only way out! "How important is this?"

Honestly, does it really matter where we come from?

With Dan Brown shaking the very spine of my faith, this question seemed to be the only way to remain sitting straight. What does it matter which family Christ came from? Would it have made a difference if he had descended from a line of paupers rather than the line of Kings? Would he still not be God? Would he be any less of a healer, would he not still be our Saviour? Would his ancestral roots change who he is and what he came on this earth to do?
And this multitude of questions then turns its focus on myself, and whether my ancestral roots will be a determinant of my self worth! Would it make a difference?

Oh enough of questions! Time for some answers... don't you think?

I am an amalgamation, to my awareness, of my immediate ancestors (my parents, my grandparents, my great gran.. alright lets not push it..*hehe*) and the envrionment that surrounds me. For every day that passes by, perhaps only the influence of my parents and my envrionment truly make the difference. The rest seem to be as trivial as a hurricane sweeping across Central America - occupying a vestige of our concern yet failing to have any drastic impact. The person I am today has no connection what-so-ever with my great grandparents, except perhaps for that remote genetic trait and an occasional cultural custom (which I'm sure, at the rate of globalisation today, has deteriorated in itself). The questions that take presidence, rather, are 'What kind of a person am I?' and 'How do I live my every day life?'. Therefore, my very own genealogy is just another triviality to me.

In the movie 'Story of Us', Michelle Pfeiffer talks about how obtaining the answers to the smaller questions in life enables us to ignore the fact that we are incapable of answering the big questions. Care for another perspective? No? Oh well, you know I'm going to give it anyway! *hehe* Answering the smaller questions often enables us to then tackle the bigger ones. (Business students.. ring a bell? Anything? Guess no one was listening either! Anyway..)

Resolving the triviality of my own genealogy, leads to the resolution of the triviality of Christ's own genalogy. And why should it not, I say.

For at the end of the day, our faith is only our own.

It starts with a Writer's Block

In the mood, you know, that lets-do-a-lot-of-work-today mood, sitting in front of my 17 " monitor, I'm all ready to start my business coursework. But the words just don't flow. The thoughts are there, but the words are not. I stare the blank page in front of me. Inspired? Not so much anymore. Lethargic? Very!

What causes this transformation? Lack of concentration? Lack of motivation? I think the latter. Doing a second year of A-levels, with all your friends that you've had for twelve wonderful years scattered around the world, leaving you with only a handful of people to mix around with in school, the rest of which you will not even consider socialising with... Hardly a setting for motivation! For the first time ever, thoughts of wanting to leave this place inch their way into my mind. For the first time ever, I do not want to study! For the first time ever I'm part of the group that sits at the back of the class, making comments, making jokes. A lot of first time's this acedemic year. 'First Time' would have been a more appropriate title perhaps. I won't change it, however. After all, this did start with a Writer's Block...

This is me.. why?

Every single day, so many thoughts occupy my mind... opinions, beliefs, principles, attitudes.. thoughts on people, events, ideas.. it quite literally is never ending. And many of these, I feel, are worth writing down. Having never been great at keeping a diary, this is the next best thing. Only difference, here I get to share my thoughts with you.

So feel free to comment ... or just read..

....this is just me.