I confess...

I confess, to Almighty God and to you my brothers and sisters...

I hide behind this facade, shivering with fear of someone seeing through me. I know I'm not what they think I am.

You're useless.

No one has ever said those words to me before. I was the brand for responsibility. And I earned it. I made you believe it and I believed it myself. But now that image is wearing away, exposing the real me, whimpering in the background.

I feel so naked.

It was a facade - of intelligence, of courage. I fooled everyone, and in the bargain, I fooled myself. I am the real victim of this deceit.

So in a moment of truth, I confess..

I confess, , to Almighty God and to you my brothers and sisters that I have sinned through my own fault...

I cannot do the things I claim to do. Or the things you now claim I can do. I am a coward for I lied to you.

You're useless.

And now they know.

Living On A Prayer

In the past three months, three of my best friends have gone through what will probably be one of their most unforgettable breakups. And for each of these I was conveniently placed in a country separated from them by oceans and seas, and in the case of two of them, even by continents.

One of these friends had told me how the dynamics of friendship changes as life takes its course, as university happens in our case. And I guess it’s moments like this that truly hones those creativity skills, little of which I possess to begin with. Trying to be there for one of your closest friends in their time of need across continents is indeed a challenge.

A lot of the time I have focused on my inability to just sit with the person and hold their hand, sometimes the best and only way to comfort and console because so often words fail to do so. I’ve always revered the sense of touch – truly the greatest ‘sense’ and therefore the greatest way to be sensitive. The distance frustrates me…

Maybe it is God testing us all, or we ourselves testing our friendships, but when it rains, it really does pour. Distance is no longer the sole hindrance but timing as well. I was just there two days ago…

Lack of creativity – on demand or even otherwise – has me resorting to the most common way out: Prayer. Sure the dynamics of our friendship have changed, but the emotions have not. Love, Anxiety, Sorrow, Fear all sit together refusing to move away.

I lie awake on my bed in the dark and watch the fan swivel making that low hum as it slices at the air in the room. And I talk to God. For this is how it works now. This is our friendship, living on a prayer.