The Power To Hurt

Since that time in my life, the Certificate of Trust has been awarded less frequently to the people in my life, especially to the new entrants. And I point the Finger of Blame at a sole person.

The saying goes, shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice. True, don't you think?

So my strategy is not to trust. Not to let anyone in. And not to fall. Never. For then only do I take away the power from you to hurt me. In fact, I never gave it to you to begin with! Even to those I trust the most, the transfer has reached ninety nine percent but never a hundred. That one percent is for me. The possibility that you will hurt me. And that one percent will never be yours.

This was the topic of conversation with a friend recently. And I probed further. I realised it's about control. When you are in the driver's seat of your emotions, no one can stray you away. You see, I can always take a U-turn. And I'll do it of my own accord. It will be my choice. I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul. Henley was right.

Life's Irony presents itself once again. For as I sit here, the master and the captain, my heart still in pieces, I sit alone. I couldn't let anyone in. And those shards hurt me.

I look at that person once more. And see that the power to hurt... still lies with him.

Emotions Running Free..

I am a person with my emotions riding on the surface. I cry when I'm depressed, yell when I'm angry and laugh and skip when I'm happy. I show it all.

This characteristic reflects well on a person's personality during the good times. On those good days, it is a person's ability to express his or her self. But one moment of weakness, one outburst taints that image. It is highlighted, then, as your inability to control your emotions. And you are labelled 'weak.'

Indifference therefore reflects strength of character. Come hail or sunshine, my apathy makes me great. For no one can hurt me if I do not care enough to be hurt. And I am master of my emotions.

It is easy to slip into this mode once Hurt & Pain have wrecked your world. It just makes things simpler, don't you think? No tears, no drama, no discomfort to you or anybody around you. Everybody loves you when you're smiling and laughing. Nobody wants to deal with your depression. True, don't you think?!

I heave a heavy sigh..

Being away from the passion, being away from the emotion, however, is to experience a disconnect - a disconnect from living.

Perhaps it is childlike to have your emotions on the surface. But as Abishek Bachan so rightly said, I'd rather live than have the child in me die.

True, don't you think?

The Hardest Gifts

I'm not the girl who wants the fancy dress, or the big surprise, or an elaborate cake, or many presents. I'm not the girl who needs to be out partying to feel special on her birthday. I don't need any of these things.

I just need you to remember, to call, to spend a few precious moments with me.

Often, the simplest of requests are the hardest to fulfil, the simplest of gifts, the hardest to give.

My New Year

I miss them so much..

That week was fabulous. It gave that 'best time of my life' some serious competition! It was all so familiar - that comfort in knowing that no matter what, you'll be ok. And I think that is the epitome of security.

Two years ago, 4th September 2004, was the beginning of the worst year of my life. And it lasted a whole year till my next birthday. I'm starting a new year of my life today, and I seem to be in the same trough I was two years ago. It seems that my birthday falls in the downswing of my yearly cycle, sometimes, the absolute nadir. I sit here, two years in the future, writing about the emotions of the past. And they haunt me still.

Perhaps the base of this cycle is not as low as two years ago, however, the emotions are the same, just the intensity lessened. This time round, I find myself smiling more and frowning less.

Better by far you should forget and smile,
Than that you should remember and be sad.

Christina Rossetti was a wise woman. And in most moments, I feel as wise.

But those few moments in between, where you long to hold that love in your arms - for in them, it is tangible - for those few moments, I remember. And I am sad.